SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Just two days after firing a barrage of Tomahawk missiles at Syria, the United States dropped the GBU-43/B Massive Ordnance Air Blast (MOAB), colloquially dubbed the “Mother of All Bombs,” on a cave complex controlled by Islamic State militants in Afghanistan. Intelligence sources also confirmed on Thursday that naval destroyers had positioned themselves about 300 miles from strategic targets in North Korea. When questioned about the increasingly aggressive military actions sanctioned by Trump this week, White House officials emphasized the “now unavoidable need to start World War III before this Russia investigation wraps up.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As Hurricane Matthew roars across the Caribbean, leaving a body count of 113 in its wake, millions of Americans in the South are evacuating. The warnings from government leaders, weather agencies and media have been dire. The category 4 storm could increase to a 5 as it approaches Florida, with winds over 165 miles-per-hour. However, conservative pundits such as Matt Drudge and Rush Limbaugh are placing lives in jeopardy by downplaying the risks of the hurricane. The DrudgeReport has prominently discounted the threat as hype promoted by liberal politicians to overstate the effects of climate change. Yet in another awkward departure from extremist Republican talking points, vice presidential candidate Mike Pence called the danger real. “Gov. Pence doesn’t believe in man-made climate change,” a spokesperson said, “but he does believe in God, man’s choice to sin as a rump-lusting sodomite, and the Lord’s will to use every arrow in His quiver to wipe out that scourge.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Dick Clark, the iconic personality behind "American Bandstand," died April 18 at the age of 82. Throughout his career, Clark remained an influential force in popular music. He introduced generations of Americans to megastars from Buddy Holly to Michael Jackson to Madonna. He translated his success into the creation of a pop culture media empire. But Clark truly solidified his presence as a cultural touchstone after becoming the host of the eponymous New Year's Eve specials that ran on ABC for four decades. To viewers around the globe, Dick Clark owned New Year's Eve. Investors agreed. But as millions mourned the passing of "the world's oldest teenager" last spring, millions more flooded government offices and churches Monday in sheer terror, demanding to know if 2013 would come without Clark. Authorities have refused to comment for fear of setting off a chain of riots and suicides.

RIP Dick Clark (1929 - 2012)

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Dick Clark, the iconic personality behind "American Bandstand," died Wednesday at the age of 82. Doctors credited the cause of death to a heart attack. Throughout his career, Clark remained an influential force in popular music. He introduced generations of Americans to megastars from Buddy Holly to Michael Jackson to Madonna. He translated his success into the creation of a pop culture media empire. But Clark truly solidified his presence as a cultural touchstone after becoming the host of the eponymous New Year's Eve specials that ran on ABC for four decades. To viewers around the globe, Dick Clark owned New Year's Eve. Investors agreed. But as millions today mourned the passing of "the world's oldest teenager" and reflected on his legacy, millions more flooded government offices and churches in sheer terror, demanding to know if 2013 would come without Clark. Authorities have refused to comment for fear of setting off a chain of riots and suicides.

SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Representatives of Family Stations issued a public apology Friday evening to the families of eight college students after admitting that an embarrassed and disgruntled Harold Camping attacked them with his cane in Golden Gate Park. Although the precise details of the assault remain sketchy, authorities claim that Camping had requested to be taken to the area to assess the Lord’s loving and merciful slaughter of sinners, as well as His progress in sucking the souls of the pious back to Heaven.

“What Mr. Camping found,” one officer on scene described, “was a group of over 20 college students face down on the lawn. He must have believed that his rapture had begun. When he realized that he’d happened upon an elaborate display of planking, he just went nuts. At this time, we are placing Mr. Camping on a 72-hour mental health hold. None of the students were seriously injured, and no one’s pressing any charges at this time.”

(c) 2011. See disclaimers.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Family Stations’ End Time prophet, Harold Camping, has been unusually silent since his May 21 rapture prediction failed to materialize in the terrifying manner he envisioned. At that time, he rationalized the anticlimactic event as a “spiritual rapture,” in which sinners were placed on God’s naughty list while those slated for salvation were duly noted on His nice list. “More than ‘thy rod and thy staff,’ it seems that the Lord operates more bureaucratically,” said a spokesperson for Family Stations. “I guess you could look at it more from the perspective of ‘thy clipboard and thy form in triplicate.’ God may not play dice, as they say, but it seems that He’s a stickler for lists, process optimization and organizational best practices.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Wendell “Mucho” Maas -- operator of KCUF radio in San Narciso County, and contributing music editor for The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript -- has put together an eclectic Judgment Day playlist to help fritter away the hours until the end. Tune in to KCUF for more apocalypse-themed songs, which will begin broadcasting at 6:00 a.m. on Saturday, May 21. Programming will conclude, along with the rest of the world, at 6:00 p.m.



(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.

Click to enlarge

With Judgment Day nearly upon us, Google has created a very special Doodle -- the last of its kind -- to commemorate its successes and loyal user community. A company spokesperson said, "It's hard to believe we must part so soon, but search for us in Heaven. We're not sure about access to technology in the sweet hereafter, but we're confident that voice and image searches can still be conducted. We thank you all. By having access to your data, we feel that we've really gotten to know you intimately...perhaps better than your own families. You will be missed. Rest assured, we never sold any of your search information to marketing companies. Good luck in Hell, Facebook."

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.

Courtesy Universal Pictures

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- With just two days and a few hours of life remaining for the denizens of God’s creation, Judgment Day mouthpiece Harold Camping -- of Christian media leviathan, Family Stations -- has divulged more details about the Second Coming of Christ. In Camping’s latest revelation, he attempts to narrow down the identity of the Antichrist. As foretold in the Book of Revelations, the nemesis of the Lord will likely assume the misleading form of a savior, widely believed to be a politician or an individual holding enormous global sway. Based on Family Stations’ Wednesday broadcast, former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the disgraced managing director of the International Monetary Fund (IMF), have become Camping’s two most feasible suspects.

Perhaps it’s no coincide that the final episode of Oprah Winfrey’s long-running, eponymous talk show will fall in line with Earth’s final days. Winfrey’s often been credited as a spiritual woman with friends in high places. But with the guest list cloaked in mystery, fans are asking more dire questions about whom Oprah Winfrey will be parading out to meet them at the End of Days. Based on a Google News search conducted Tuesday afternoon at 2:40 p.m. PDT, the answer could be more disturbing than imagined. Should Oprah supporters worry that the Number of the Beast was revealed in the article counts pertaining to her last show?

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.

LONDON, U.K. -- Alternative music pioneers Morrissey and Johnny Marr, co-founders of The Smiths, have often told reporters that a reunion would happen only if the world was about to end. With that eventuality slated for May 21, the musicians have announced the long-awaited reunion of the band. Progressive rock legends Pink Floyd have also agreed to a live Judgment Day concert under a similar rationale.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- With just four days remaining in the planet’s unraveling circle of life, the grim and inexplicably bizarre omens of Doomsday continue to sweep the globe. The May 21 Judgment Day prophesy of Harold Camping, initially met with vast skepticism, now appears to have gained enough traction to make even the most agnostic among us rethink the inevitability of existence beyond this weekend, due in large part to the media’s tireless reporting of disasters around the world.

“One man in New York spent his entire life savings of $140,000 to help get our message out,” said one of Camping’s representatives from Christian broadcaster Family Stations. “This is precisely what all of us should be doing now. And donating that money to Family Stations may just help grease the palms of our Lord Jesus Christ. The fate of your soul is in His hands, after all. A little proof of your willingness to sacrifice, in honor of His sacrifice, couldn’t hurt.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- The plagues of the End Times have shown no signs of relenting since Wednesday. This morning, a new series of Judgment Day horrors swept the world, affecting the United States, China, Spain, and Pakistan. Family Stations’ doom prophet, Harold Camping, called the developments “awesome news!”

He also went on to say, “Judgment Day is feared by the world and is the day that God will destroy the world because of the sins of mankind. There’s no greater expression of the Lord’s undying love than tearing apart billions of men, women, and children through a series of excruciating terrors, drawn out over a five-month period of ongoing torture. As warrior angels descend from the heavens to feast on the entrails of your babies, take comfort in knowing that after their bones have been picked clean, and their screams of anguish have turned to gurgles of blood and despair, a better life awaits them.”

To help mitigate some of the impact, Bennington Vale retailers have today begun selling Rapture Kits across San Narciso County.

SAN ANTONIO, Texas -- Severe storms across several states in the southern region of the United States caused havoc on Thursday, leaving a wake of property damage and power outages behind. With these storms coming just a day after the destructive earthquake in Spain, Harold Camping, Family Stations’ president, was elated to report that God’s wrath is progressing according to plan, and that the end of the world should certainly begin on May 21, as prophesied.

LORCA, Spain -- As Harold Camping’s eschatology theories of a May 21 apocalypse near, the first in the prophesied series of disasters has come to pass in Spain. Nations around the world extended condolences to the Spanish people over the tragedy. The extreme fundamentalist Christian followers of Harold Camping, however, were said to be thrilled with news of the incident (read the original Harold Camping article here).

A 5.2 magnitude earthquake, felt from Alicante to Madrid, destroyed several buildings on Wednesday, including a medieval church bell tower. It was the worst earthquake to hit Spain in over 50 years.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- By now, everyone in Bennington Vale has seen the signs promising the end of days on May 21, 2011. The prophecy is being spread by Family Stations, a 53-year-old Christian radio network with over 60 outlets. Family Stations is so convinced that God is ready to receive His devoted flock this year that they have posted over 3,200 billboards worldwide with the message: “The Bible guarantees it!”

According to their prediction, the world will be progressively shaken apart by earthquakes, beginning at 6:00 p.m. EDT on May 21 and continuing through October 21. During this period of cataclysm, the Rapture will call all true believers back to Heaven. As a result, and with heavy heart, The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript is issuing final paychecks to some staff members and preparing to temporarily cease publication at the end of next week -- which is also the end of the world.